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How to Get Fat!


Imagine a scenario where someone really wanted to get fat. I mean wasting away the lean muscle tissue and replacing it with lots of blubber. What would that take?

Understanding metabolic processes and having spent many years changing people’s bodies from obese to lean, there would be a very simple formula to achieve this ...and this may shock you.

So this is the program for our imaginary subject to get fat …and stay fat.

First of all start your day with no breakfast, or take a cereal with milk, something nice a sugary to give the pancreas a big jolt to produce the fat storing hormone insulin. A low-fat crisp bread will also be good, just to provide a teasing amount of empty calories and the total lack of protein to start the process of wasting your muscles away. Add a coffee or two, this can add to the dehydration and stress levels. Remember, more stress, more internal fat. The dehydrating effect of coffee will also give you that lovely mottled look on the backs of the thighs too.

Do not walk or cycle to work. Take the car or public transport, then take the elevator to your desk and sit down. Preferably for the rest of the day. This will ensure that all the muscles will further deteriorate and keep the metabolism suppressed. Hopefully, the lack of breakfast (or your sugary breakfast with coffee) will start having the negative effects by mid-morning, plunging you into tiredness and hunger, which means you can snack on the low fat or diet cereal bar. This will give that fat storing hormone a further boost and add some more useless calories.

By lunchtime – you’ll be famished, but proud you are doing so well at preventing yourself from feeding. And maybe, in some delusional state, that you’re actually losing weight. You probably are, mainly water and muscle, which is why you feel like crap. But fight on! You need to punish yourself more, more stress, more deprivation, as you watch everyone stuffing down their lunch whilst you nibble on bland salad. Maybe you can pick up a low calorie sandwich; that will add some bloating to the mess you’re creating.

Now for the rest of the afternoon, try not to eat anything, just continue starving yourself because today is ‘gym day’ yay!! But don’t worry, the system you are using will get you to your fat goal because we’re doing low intensity, steady state cardio for an hour and a half!! Now this is going to be tough because you’re operating on enough calories to feed a mouse, but that’s fine because you won’t have any energy to train like the lean people in the gym. Get on a bike or treadmill, preferably with a fitness magazine and just do your time. Yes, it’s long and tedious, but the investment in time and torture will pay off with lots of added blubber, wasted muscle and free radicals too. That’s the nasty stuff that poisons the body J

After your session, carefully wobble your way to your car and try and make it home before you pass-out. Some people mistake this feeling for hard work, but trust me, you’re just heavily fatigued through your energy systems shutting down and becoming dehydrated.

When you do get home, you can take it out on the nearest person to you. Really force home to them how much you’re going through. This should be easy as your stress hormones will be raging.

Now, for dinner you can either eat a few more scraps of salad, maybe one of those slim shakes, they’ll pack on a few pounds just before bed, or better still, binge-eat to make up for your torturous day. You could also avoid eating in front of everyone to impress on everyone the commitment you are going through, then sneak in a chocolate bar under the stairs or where no-one can see you. This is a great way to get some extra fat storage at the end of a fat storing day.

Repeat this over the course of the week, but make sure you leave the exercise for a couple of days, just to let the metabolic rate continue to crash downwards.

Now here comes the good bit. Over the weekend, I want you to convince yourself you’ve done so well and treat yourself to a glass of wine or two. Better still, get drunk, by doing this you can escape your reality for a while, or at least not care about it. This will not only stall your liver function, forcing all fatty acids in the bloodstream to go straight to subcutaneous skin-blubber, but also, any calories eaten around the time of drinking will also join the party and head straight for the fat stores. Double whammy! The dehydrating effects from the alcohol will cause an even bigger drop in energy, and the depressant effects of alcohol will no doubt have you in tears by Monday morning.

But don’t worry. You’ve done a great job at fattening up, you just need to starve a bit more than usual to really crash the metabolism so that any food, no matter how small, will be stored as fat, because your fat burning hormone leptin will be completely diminished by now. We could also talk about ghrelin, and how your ‘belief’ that you’re eating less calories can make you hungry, but that’s a huge topic.

Keep this routine up for a few weeks and you will certainly do some damage to your metabolism whilst increasing body-fat. You’ll also notice you are losing some body weight (muscle, water, energy, health) but don’t worry, I can assure you the soft blubber is increasing. The water weight will come back in one big meal, so don’t worry about the weight-loss, that’s temporary dehydration and muscle wastage. The blubber will continue to grow over the months as you watch your clothes struggle to wrap around you, especially if you have a few cheat weeks in between where you really treat yourself for your efforts. These ‘off periods’ a few times per year can add a few pounds of fat which will never get burnt off because you’ll return to the metabolic draining diet routine again.

And by the way, if you want to get rid of some spare cash whilst you’re blubbering up like this, be sure to buy some vitamins, slimming products, fat burning pills, low-fat meals, detox kits and other commercial nik-naks. The added frustration and stress can give you that extra anger you need when you next tell someone you’ve tried ‘everything’ and that it’s down to some strange metabolic disorder. You won’t be sleeping very well either, but don’t worry, the daytime tiredness and weakness adds further stress hormones to ensure the fat continues to accumulate.

So to summarize, if you want to get fat and lose your posture, energy and vitality; then diet, diet, diet, followed by a few sneaky treats, get some alcohol in at the weekends, do long, slow cardio sessions but don’t lift weights, and skip on your sleep. Keep standing on the scales every day to ensure they show the drop in muscle and water levels and you’ll be well on your way to a lifetime cycle that an increasing population of the planet is joining you on.

How to Get Lean

Alternatively, we do offer a Get Lean program, which will remove all the blubber, get you lean and toned and bring your energy levels back to optimal. But this will involve eating a lot more, sleeping more and ‘halving’ your gym time. Let me know if you want The Program

…it’s not what you think it is.

Tel: 77788846

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